Title of this blog: Love Beauty Truth
Three things I admire, cherish, strive for. However you want to say it.
Although the third one I struggle with. Truth or also interpreted by me as trust. Before you can have trust you must have truth between two individuals. So in a way they go hand in hand. Trust is hard to come by anymore. When I was younger, as with nearly all innocent youth, trust is handed out to anyone willing to make us happy. Life is funny that way in the sense that as you grow older, and supposedly wiser you become more cynical and untrusting. You have your heart broken one too many times, you're screwed over a few times more than u can remember and you're trust bank begins to dwindle. You're told one thing then hear another. You hear one thing then witness another. All of a sudden trust is o so much harder to hand over.
Sunday, June 11, 2006
Friday, June 02, 2006
Highs and Lows
I hate highs and lows.
High= excitement about anything, being obliviously happy and content.
Lows=depression, sadness, hopeless despair.
I hate highs because the only place to go once you've reached them is down, and its inevitable. No plateau, no middle ground, no consistency. Down you'll plummet. Depending on the occasion or cause of the trip up you will either continue falling until you are in utter despair or your shirt will get caught by the "lets tell everyone and everything to fuck off" tree branch and it's hard to detangle yourself from that one.
I hate making plans. I have to make plans. I am actually the most devout user of a day planner you'll meet, but thats for writing down things guaranteed to happen. Papers due, debate tournaments, work schedule. I guess that's the double sword. I want to know when things are going to happen and how and I like to plan things out, but it seems that anytime I get a wild hair to make plans out of the blue and surprise someone with them it all goes to shit. They fall apart and I'm stuck here-typing out of angered frustration on my computer. What can you do, right? You can not take the initiative. You can sit back and wait for others to call you. You can make them come to you. But with what? Your charming wit? Your engaging personality? And when noone calls and nothing happens down you fall. It is a slippery slope. Good luck getting stuck on the fuck everything branch. At least if it snags your shirt or underwear you have less ground to cover going back up.
High= excitement about anything, being obliviously happy and content.
Lows=depression, sadness, hopeless despair.
I hate highs because the only place to go once you've reached them is down, and its inevitable. No plateau, no middle ground, no consistency. Down you'll plummet. Depending on the occasion or cause of the trip up you will either continue falling until you are in utter despair or your shirt will get caught by the "lets tell everyone and everything to fuck off" tree branch and it's hard to detangle yourself from that one.
I hate making plans. I have to make plans. I am actually the most devout user of a day planner you'll meet, but thats for writing down things guaranteed to happen. Papers due, debate tournaments, work schedule. I guess that's the double sword. I want to know when things are going to happen and how and I like to plan things out, but it seems that anytime I get a wild hair to make plans out of the blue and surprise someone with them it all goes to shit. They fall apart and I'm stuck here-typing out of angered frustration on my computer. What can you do, right? You can not take the initiative. You can sit back and wait for others to call you. You can make them come to you. But with what? Your charming wit? Your engaging personality? And when noone calls and nothing happens down you fall. It is a slippery slope. Good luck getting stuck on the fuck everything branch. At least if it snags your shirt or underwear you have less ground to cover going back up.
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
Decisions
So, life is as confusing as ever.
I'm considering not returning to Jewell.
I applied to UMKC, albeit late, but we'll see if I get in. I know as soon as I mention it to the parents they're going to think I'm transferring because Philip will be attending law school there as will everyone else, but they're wrong. If I loved and enjoyed where I was attending school I would never entertain the thought of transferring, but I honestly am not enoying myself at all. College is not what I expected to be and I believe that is because of where I am currently enrolled. I listen to my close friends rave about how they love college and I want the same thing. I want to be excited about the school I attend. Maybe it's because I do not have many friends at Jewell. I do not really have any friends to be honest. That's another big adjustment. To go from highschool where I had tons of friends and could call any number of people up to hang out with to scrolling through my phonebook and not wanting to call anyone or those that I would call no longer live in LS. I know transferring to a much larger school in the middle of my college career won't be easy or mean automatic friends, but it will mean a fresh start. A new beginning.
Although, I wonder if I would enjoy Jewell if I was not in the Greek system. I've wondered this for a long time and think I've practically convinced myself of it. I want to quit. I hate it. I hate being in a sorority. The girls aren't bad, I'm just not friends with any of them. The reservations about quitting the sorority are who am I going to hang out with once I'm out. How will I make friends as a junior at a school where everyone knows everyone and by this time have established their set group of friends. Then again why continue to subject myself to something I can not stand. Everytime I discuss this with someone or write it out I seem to decide to quit. Then I convince myself to try it one more semester, but I honestly do not want to. I no longer want anything to do with it. I think I've made up my mine...maybe. ;)
That's it for now.
Sorry it's a little self-centered.
I'm considering not returning to Jewell.
I applied to UMKC, albeit late, but we'll see if I get in. I know as soon as I mention it to the parents they're going to think I'm transferring because Philip will be attending law school there as will everyone else, but they're wrong. If I loved and enjoyed where I was attending school I would never entertain the thought of transferring, but I honestly am not enoying myself at all. College is not what I expected to be and I believe that is because of where I am currently enrolled. I listen to my close friends rave about how they love college and I want the same thing. I want to be excited about the school I attend. Maybe it's because I do not have many friends at Jewell. I do not really have any friends to be honest. That's another big adjustment. To go from highschool where I had tons of friends and could call any number of people up to hang out with to scrolling through my phonebook and not wanting to call anyone or those that I would call no longer live in LS. I know transferring to a much larger school in the middle of my college career won't be easy or mean automatic friends, but it will mean a fresh start. A new beginning.
Although, I wonder if I would enjoy Jewell if I was not in the Greek system. I've wondered this for a long time and think I've practically convinced myself of it. I want to quit. I hate it. I hate being in a sorority. The girls aren't bad, I'm just not friends with any of them. The reservations about quitting the sorority are who am I going to hang out with once I'm out. How will I make friends as a junior at a school where everyone knows everyone and by this time have established their set group of friends. Then again why continue to subject myself to something I can not stand. Everytime I discuss this with someone or write it out I seem to decide to quit. Then I convince myself to try it one more semester, but I honestly do not want to. I no longer want anything to do with it. I think I've made up my mine...maybe. ;)
That's it for now.
Sorry it's a little self-centered.
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