I used to write. A lot. All the time. Writing was my solace. My guidance.

I don't write anymore.

Things are more muddled these days.

I'm very happy personally, but not so much professionally. I recently graduated with my Bachelor's and am working at a bank. I love the people I work with! Not so much the work/customers. I want to do more. Lots more.

I am engaged. Never thought I'd be engaged and planning a wedding at 23. Marriage scares me.....

Law school has been put on the back burner. Don't ask me why. I can't tell you. I could easily get in a few decent places, I'm just not feeling it right now. Or is it exactly what I am feeling? See what I mean about things being muddled....

Started a garden last year. Doing much better growing stuff this year. Hopefully we are able to can some beans, peppers, make some strawberry jam and whatever we can do with tomatoes. Trying to decrease that carbon footprint thing.

Just got back from Vegas. 3rd time's a charm :)

It's Been Awhile.....

O yes, it has been a loooong while....



Where to even begin? SO much has happened since my last post over a year ago....I'll probably have multiple posts the next couple days...just to update you...You? Who are you? It's funny how I write to a person that doesn't exist, or we pray to something non-existant (in the physical sense)...I think as humans we just need something concrete to hold on to, believe, and look foward to.



I am working full time now...my first permanent full time job...weird to say that. I. have. a. job. I. have. to. go. to. everyday. with. people. that. depend. on. me.
I think that officially makes me a grown up...suck.



I have one credit left to finish my undergrad which I will be doing this coming semester....I am also taking some paralegal courses. I have decided to investigate that route before jumping into law school.



It has been 3 years for Phil and I. It's been a fun rollercoaster of a ride. We thoroughly enjoy each other and always have fun together.



I am starting a new business with my friend Noelle.....check it out....give us a call....

focusbyelle.com
or
blog.focusbyelle.com

Lata

Lonely

That's how I feel.
Super lonely.

My Ramblings

I haven't posted on here in forever.
I'm going to start doing so more frequently. Just use it as a place to express my thoughts, feelings, whatever. I used to write a lot when I was younger. It helped me figure things out and vent, but I haven't written anything for as long as I can remember. Maybe thats why things are more unclear, muddled.

Life is good. I can't really complain. I'm in love, doing good in school, getting along with the fam, making a steady income, planning for the future.

That last one is where it gets confusing. I just wonder, can you really plan for the future or does it just happen? One day I'm 21 and the next I'm 35 with two kids. What happens inbetween? Life happens, yes, I know. But is it the life I've alwasy dreamed of or wanted? or is it the life that just happens? I don't want the life that just happens. I want something bigger and better and more meaningful. I feel as if I'm destined for great things. I feel as if I will make a difference in the world, and I want to do that. I feel as if I need to do that, but will that mean my life is more fulfilling or meaningful? Am I just not seeing that I do matter and am making a difference to those right in front of me?

I have one more year of college left and the plan is law school. Where, I'm not sure. Why, I'm not sure. How is it possible to decide what you want to do for the rest of your life at the age of 21?

Don't let this post give you the impression that I'm sad, lost, or unhappy. I'm not the former or the latter. I'm happy and loved. I might be a tad lost or lonely but I suppose those will work themselves out. No worries......

Love Beauty Truth

Title of this blog: Love Beauty Truth

Three things I admire, cherish, strive for. However you want to say it.

Although the third one I struggle with. Truth or also interpreted by me as trust. Before you can have trust you must have truth between two individuals. So in a way they go hand in hand. Trust is hard to come by anymore. When I was younger, as with nearly all innocent youth, trust is handed out to anyone willing to make us happy. Life is funny that way in the sense that as you grow older, and supposedly wiser you become more cynical and untrusting. You have your heart broken one too many times, you're screwed over a few times more than u can remember and you're trust bank begins to dwindle. You're told one thing then hear another. You hear one thing then witness another. All of a sudden trust is o so much harder to hand over.

Highs and Lows

I hate highs and lows.
High= excitement about anything, being obliviously happy and content.
Lows=depression, sadness, hopeless despair.

I hate highs because the only place to go once you've reached them is down, and its inevitable. No plateau, no middle ground, no consistency. Down you'll plummet. Depending on the occasion or cause of the trip up you will either continue falling until you are in utter despair or your shirt will get caught by the "lets tell everyone and everything to fuck off" tree branch and it's hard to detangle yourself from that one.

I hate making plans. I have to make plans. I am actually the most devout user of a day planner you'll meet, but thats for writing down things guaranteed to happen. Papers due, debate tournaments, work schedule. I guess that's the double sword. I want to know when things are going to happen and how and I like to plan things out, but it seems that anytime I get a wild hair to make plans out of the blue and surprise someone with them it all goes to shit. They fall apart and I'm stuck here-typing out of angered frustration on my computer. What can you do, right? You can not take the initiative. You can sit back and wait for others to call you. You can make them come to you. But with what? Your charming wit? Your engaging personality? And when noone calls and nothing happens down you fall. It is a slippery slope. Good luck getting stuck on the fuck everything branch. At least if it snags your shirt or underwear you have less ground to cover going back up.

Decisions

So, life is as confusing as ever.

I'm considering not returning to Jewell.
I applied to UMKC, albeit late, but we'll see if I get in. I know as soon as I mention it to the parents they're going to think I'm transferring because Philip will be attending law school there as will everyone else, but they're wrong. If I loved and enjoyed where I was attending school I would never entertain the thought of transferring, but I honestly am not enoying myself at all. College is not what I expected to be and I believe that is because of where I am currently enrolled. I listen to my close friends rave about how they love college and I want the same thing. I want to be excited about the school I attend. Maybe it's because I do not have many friends at Jewell. I do not really have any friends to be honest. That's another big adjustment. To go from highschool where I had tons of friends and could call any number of people up to hang out with to scrolling through my phonebook and not wanting to call anyone or those that I would call no longer live in LS. I know transferring to a much larger school in the middle of my college career won't be easy or mean automatic friends, but it will mean a fresh start. A new beginning.

Although, I wonder if I would enjoy Jewell if I was not in the Greek system. I've wondered this for a long time and think I've practically convinced myself of it. I want to quit. I hate it. I hate being in a sorority. The girls aren't bad, I'm just not friends with any of them. The reservations about quitting the sorority are who am I going to hang out with once I'm out. How will I make friends as a junior at a school where everyone knows everyone and by this time have established their set group of friends. Then again why continue to subject myself to something I can not stand. Everytime I discuss this with someone or write it out I seem to decide to quit. Then I convince myself to try it one more semester, but I honestly do not want to. I no longer want anything to do with it. I think I've made up my mine...maybe. ;)

That's it for now.
Sorry it's a little self-centered.

Responsibility...Schmontsability...

I have no problem not fulfilling my responsibilities.
At least those that don't matter all that much to me.
I guess I'm selfish in the sense that if I haven't fully committed myself or if I don't care enough about something I just don't do it, I dont go to it, I dont finish it. You get the jist.
I don't think that makes me a less of or a bad person. I just know what I care about, and what I'm willing to sacrifice for, and what I'm willing to follow through with.

My world seems to have been thrown off balance since he left.
I could never imagine being dependent on someone for stability. I never could imagine being dependent on someone to make my life have meaning. I never could imagine being dependent on someone for happiness. And yet, that boat seems to have picked me up, and decided to hold me captive. I don't feel as if I am a prisoner. I feel released, secure, safe. Happy. At last.

What's a Girl to Do?

My closest girlfriend, Bri, has plans to go to New York next year to work and go to school. She just up and decided to do such a thing and all I can think about is how exciting that would be! To just leave everything here in the MO behind, and strike out on an adventure. I know what is stopping me. The fear of deviating from this pre-planned road I have layed out in front of me. The fear of derailing my future. The fear of disappointing my family. I'm spending 24 grand a year for an undergraduate degree that I'm not sure is going to get me anywhere. I have faith it will, but I'm going to be in debt up to my eyeballs before I even enter law school.

I just want to buck all rules, responsibility, expectations, and strike out and do something on my own. New York, Las Vegas, California....wherever the wind blows me thats where I'll go. I have no desire to graduate college and automatically get a j-o-b. I think it would be exciting to live in Las Vegas and work for awhile. Not permanently, but a short little stint. Like jail.

Although, I now have you to consider.
I love you with all my heart and soul.
I have always been so damn independent that I would never alter my future plans for a member of the opposite sex. Then you came along and I'm loco in love and loco in action.

This was random first blog, but get used to it.